1 post tagged “anxiety”

I dug the bathroom scale out of the basement this morning.  I was pretty scared to find out how much of my work from last year I had "undone" - and how much extra I'd added to the work that needed to be done now.  Well, unless the scale is calibrated funky, I gained back most, but not all, of the weight I lost last year.  Which is a small victory in itself, in a way.  So I'm starting out at 268.  I can work with that.  I know to many people that may seem like a horrifying number.  But honestly, a lot of the time it doesn't freak me out that much.  After avoiding scales like dead animals on the side of the road for most of my life, weighing in every couple of days last year and actually seeing progress has changed my relationship with the numerical value of my weight.  I used to dread anyone finding out how much I weigh, because it would confirm for them that yes, I am as fat as I seem and therefore I am only deserving of their scorn and ridicule.  But now, it's a numerical value that simply quantifies one aspect of me, the whole me.  I can also be quantified by my I.Q., my g.p.a.,  my economic bracket, my blood pressure and my place in line at the grocery store. 

Today Sweetie left to go to Seattle for a coupla days.  Until recently, his traveling induced some pretty intense anxiety.  We were living in a relatively isolated pocket, with an alleyway behind our house that was frequented at night by making transactions that were risky and illegal.  I had been dealing with pretty intense and relatively frequent anxiety attacks in general, so being alone for a couple of days or more with (thank goodness) an alert dog in an isolated house just exacerbated my anxiety.  Thankfully, with some counseling, self love, and self awareness, the anxiety is much less frequent and much less intense before.  But I still get lonely when he's gone. 

And I am a comfort eater, oh yes I am.  So my goal over the next couple of days is to not succumb to comfort eating crap that I shouldn't be eating.  I can have snacks, yes indeed, but not pizza and peanut butter toast.